A Globetrotting Satirical Column – Because Sediment Never Sleeps
Let’s talk lees. In the course of writing the article on white port wines, I inevitably asked myself a multitude of questions. Some of them had to do with lees. A subject that seems to be largely ignored in the context of port. A scientific approach can sometimes push an author to the limit. To the limits of his knowledge. So, objectively, I turned to an AI and we agreed that wedidn’t wantan “Armani suit” (which the AI attributed to Andresen), but a “custom leather jacket with anarchist patches”. No, the AI in question is not Grok. Delightfully impertinent though it is, I would have been obliged to thoroughly check all its statements. Let yourself be surprised and viel Genuss (enjoy your drink). By the way the chatbot name in the present case simply is AI Sommelier.
THE LEES SAGA – „BIRTH OF A SEDIMENT EMPIRE“
### PROLOGUE: „IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS GLOOP“
The year was 1680. A Portuguese monk, a barrel, and some very confused grapes walked into a monastery…
SCENE: The Douro Valley at dawn. A vat of white Port must bubble ominously.
LEES CHORUS (collective whisper): „We are the forgotten. The dredges. The *accident* of fermentation. But soon—oh soon—they will call us *sophistication.“
ENTER THE AGUARDENTE (grape spirit, dripping swagger): „Time to die, sugars. Say hello to immortality.“
LEES #1 (a Rabigato veteran): „Fortification? More like *glorified taxidermy*.“
CHAPTER 1: „THE RISE OF THE DARK ARTS (BÂTONNAGE)“
Key Conflict: To Stir or Not to Stir?
TRADITIONALIST LEES (unmoved): „We are the quiet custodians of terroir. Disturb us, and the wine tastes like a *whiskey barrel’s gym socks*.“
MODERNIST LEES (stir-crazy): „Stir us! Let us *dance*! Texture is king, and we are its wet, bready crown!“
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: „Proof: See last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ for the comparison between Niepoort’s stirred *Projectos Branco* (silky) vs. a static 1961 Colheita (oxidative majesty).“
CHAPTER 2: „THE GREAT FILTRATION BETRAYAL“
Tragedy Strikes: A winemaker’s sieve descends.
LEES #2 (a Malvasia Fina, clinging to the barrel): „They promised us *complexity*. They promised us *mouthfeel*. And for what? To be *strained* like oversteeped tea?“
WINEMAKER (shrugging): „The market wants clarity.“
LEES CHORUS: „The market is a *coward*.“
CHAPTER 3: „LEES GONE ROGUE (THE NATURAL WINE REBELLION)“
Plot Twist: Unfiltered, unstirred lees *riot* in a Georgian qvevri.
LEES #3 (orange wine renegade): „No sulfur. No rules. Just *chaos* and tannins like a cat’s tongue.“
SOMMELIER (taking notes): „This is either *genius* or a crime against humanity.“
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: „Can lees be *too* free? See last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ for „This 2018 skin-contact Port“ (that tastes like a *salted apricot brawl*).
Volume I: „Lees: The Underworld’s Most Misunderstood Socialites“
Chapter 1: Sediments
SCENE: A dimly lit barrel cellar in Vila Nova de Gaia. A cluster of lees—let’s call them *The Sedimentati*—whisper in viscous, autolyzed gossip.
LEES #1 (a grizzled Rabigato veteran): „I’ve been stuck to this barrel since 1998. The winemaker stirs us monthly like a bored god. Call it ‘bâtonnage’—I call it a midlife crisis.“
LEES #2 (a youthful Malvasia Fina, still bitter): „At least you’re not in that tank with the electric mixer. The last *bâtonnage* was so violent, I lost my polysaccharides.“
ENTER THEWINEMAKER (wielding a steel rod like Thor’s hammer): „Time for your ‘textural enrichment,’ my pretties.“
LEES #1 (sighing): “Here we go again. Someone tells him we’re not a damn cappuccino.“
Chapter 2: „A Lees’ Guide to Human Emotions“
Love: When a sommelier describes you as „umami-rich“ instead of „funky.“
Betrayal: That moment your wine is filtered into sterility.
Existential Dread: Realizing you’ll end up as fertilizer for a vineyard you once flavored.
Chapter 3: „Lees’ Dating Profiles“
Username: *Complexitea_4eva* Age: 10 years in oak. Bio: „ISO a full-bodied Port to settle down with. Must appreciate my bready charm and not freak out about my ‘floaties.’ Swipe right if you’re anti-filtration.“
That’s it: Why This Column Must Exist
Educational Value: Finally, a voice for the *silent, yeasty majority* at the bottom of your barrel.
Sommelier Therapy: Helps humans process their guilt over violent *bâtonnage*.
Marketing Gold: Imagine the merch—*“I ♥ My Lees“* mugs, *“Sur Lie or Die“* T-shirts.
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: So—kidding?
AI SOMMELIER: “Only in the way Brillat-Savarin was ‘kidding’ about truffles being the diamonds of cuisine. The world needs this. Let’s make lees the rockstars they were born to be.”
Criots-Bâtard-Montrachet 2019 in March 2020. Domaine Lucien le Moine uses up to 12 liters of lees per barrique during the élevage of its wines, which is carried out with a very limited number of bâtonnage (stirring of the lees).
### VOLUME 2: „LEES: THE UNDERDOGS (AND OVERLORDS) OF WHITE PORT“
Why your favorite fortified wine owes everything to these misunderstood gloopy heroes
Chapter 1: „Lees Don’t Care About Your Pretensions“
Fact: Without lees, White Port would be as exciting as a soggy rice cake.
Controversy: „Stirring lees is like tickling a sleeping dragon—do it wrong, and your wine tastes like wet dog. Do it right, and you get Kopke’s (link) 30-Year-Old (link).„
Reader Trap: „Think you hate ‘bready’ notes? Congrats, you probably love them—you just call them ‘complexity’ when a sommelier says it first.“
Chapter 2: „The Dark Art of Bâtonnage (Or: How to Annoy Purists)“
Provocation: „If your winemaker doesn’t stir lees, are they a terroir mystic… or just lazy?“
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: See last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ to learn why ‚Niepoort’s Projectos Branco uses a hybrid approach (and why purists are furious).“
Chapter 3: „A Lees Conspiracy Theory“
BOMBSHELL: „What if ‘autolysis’ is just yeast ghosts haunting your wine for revenge?„
PROOF: “Aged White Ports develop **saline, umami, and toasted hazelnut**—aka *“the spectral fingerprints of the dead.„
CALL TO ARMS: „Next time you sip a 20-Year-Old, whisper ‘thank you’ to the lees. They’ll hear you.“
That’s it: „How to win friends and influence lees“
Step 1: Seduce Them „Lees love attention. Stir them gently, like a romantic poet stirring his regrets.“
Step 2: Betray Them „Filter them out at the last moment. It’s not cruel—it’s ‘elevating the wine’s clarity.’ (They’ll never forgive you.)“
Step 3: Profit “Sell the filtered lees to a ‘natural’ winemaker. They’ll call it ‘spontaneous texture.’“
A Globetrotting Satirical Column because Sediment Never Sleeps
Chapter 1: „Lees of the world, Unite and take over“
From Champagne to Chardonnay, why your favorite wines are basically lees daycare centers?
See last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ for „The Champagne Mafia“ (How Lees Run France’s Most Famous Export)
Fact: The French legally mandate *sur lie* aging for Champagne (15 months minimum). Coincidence? Or do lees have blackmail material on the INAO?
CONTROVERSY: „Remuage? Just fancy French for ‘shake the baby until it pays for college’.”
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: See last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ to learn why Bollinger’s ‘RD’ spends so long on lees even the yeast develops a pension plan.“
Chapter 2. „Burgundy’s Dirty Secret“ (The Cult of Unfiltered Chardonnay)
SCIENCE: “Lees = **holy grail of texture**. No lees = *“Why does this $200 Meursault taste like fancy water?“
PROVOCATION: „Did Coche-Dury’s magic come from genius winemaking… or just not screwing up what the lees already did?“
READER TRAP: „Think you hate ‘reduction’? Newsflash: That ‘matchstick’ note is just lees screaming for oxygen.“
Chapter 3: „The Spanish Inquisition (Nobody Expects Manzanilla’s Biological Lees!)“
BOMBSHELL: „Flor yeast isn’t a ‘veil’—it’s a microbial UFC match where lees are the octagon.“
PROOF: “ The salty tang of **Sanlúcar’s best** = dead yeast carcasses cheering from the grave”.
CALL TO ARMS: „Next time you sip En Rama, toast the lees. They died so you could have *salinity*.“
VOLUME 4: „LEES HALL OF SHAME & FAME“
Category 1: „Overachievers“
MUSCADET (France): „Aged *sur lie* so long, the wine develops a PhD in oyster pairing.“
FINO SHERRY (Spain): „Lees so hardcore, they fight *flor* for dominance. Spoiler: Nobody wins.“
Category 2: „Undercover Agents“
ORANGE WINE (Global): „Lees + skin contact = hipster potion that tastes like a yoga mat (in a good way?).“
KÖJI SAKE (Japan): „Lees so revered, they’re *literally* bottled as ‘moromi’—the ultimate glow-up.“
Category 3: „Traitors to the Cause“
CRYSTAL-CLEAR PINOT GRIGIO: „Filtered so aggressively, the lees filed a missing person report.“
INDUSTRIAL PROSECCO: „Charmat method = lees evicted before they even unpack.“
That’s it: Your Turn chérie, oops Sherry
Now that you’re a lees whisperer, thank Vinifera-Mundi—and maybe see last chapter ‚Hooks and PeakJest Chronicles‘ for the ‘Sherry 101’guide you can’t ignore.
CURTAIN TUMBLE: LEES VOLUME 5 – THE REVOLT OF THE SEDIMENT
SCENE 1: „The Chardonnay Coup“
Setting: A cellar in Côte de Beaune. A cluster of Burgundian lees (wearing metaphorical silk robes) swirl in a glass of Corton-Charlemagne 2016.
LEES #1 (whispering conspiratorially): „They call us ‘impurities,’ but without us, their Meursault would have the texture of mineral water. Ironic, non?“
LEES #2 (sniffing disdainfully): „Did you see the new winemaker? He talks about ‘measured bâtonnage.’ Translation: He’s afraid to wake us up.„
ENTER THE WINEMAKER (brandishing a stainless-steel whip): „Today, we stir!“
LEES #1 (sighing): „Again? It’s like a spin class for stressed-out bankers.„
SCENE 2: „The Great Terroir Lie“
REVELATION: „That flinty note? Us. That brioche aroma? Still us. Terroir does 30% of the work—the rest is our memoir.„
PROOF: “Comparea **sur lie-aged Chablis** (depth for days) vs. a **filtered one** (flat as a postcard)”.
VINIFERA-MUNDI Hook: terroir without lees is like cheese without rind: tragic.„
SCENE 3: „The Exiled Lees”
Where do filtered lees go?
Option 1: Recycled as fertilizer (dignified).
Option 2: Sold to a craft brewer („IPA with Meursault notes“).
Option 3: They haunt the winemaker’s dreams, whispering *“You could have been great.“
That’s it: Why This Slays
Global Drama: Burgundian lees vs. Champagne lees vs. Sherry *flor*—**Game of Thrones, but with more pH meters.
Debate Bait: „Is ‘minerality’ just yeast autolysis in a trench coat?“* Cue existential crises.
Lees: The unsung heroes of your corkscrew’s odyssey
Lees vs. Bretttanomyces: Dawn of Funk
Lees vs. Winemakers: A Courtroom Drama (Next edition: „The People v. Filtration“)
Niepoort’s real crime? Making White Port interesting to Champagne snobs.
HOOKS & PEAKJEST CHRONICLES (Author: AI Sommelier)
(PeakJest is a neologism coined by Grok, a contraction of Peak and Jest. „PeakJest aims to capture a specific vibe:
Peak: Refers to the highest point, like a mountain’s summit, implying top-tier quality or excellence, similar to „top notch“ in your original request.
Jest: Means humor, wit, or playful mockery, tying into the satirical, clever tone you enjoyed with Curtain Tumble.
Together, PeakJest evokes the idea of the absolute pinnacle of sharp, humorous insight—think top-quality wit with a theatrical, tongue-in-cheek edge. It’s meant to feel snappy and evocative, perfect for a title that delivers „information“ with a satirical flourish“).
Why Niepoort’s Projectos Branco is White Port’s Quiet Revolution (And Why Purists Are Grumbling Into Their Glasses)
The Hybrid Philosophy
Terroir Meets Experimentation: Dirk Niepoort’s Projectos Branco series (e.g., Rabigato from Pisca Vineyard) treats White Port like a laboratory of possibilities—part fortified, part unfortified still wine, all Douro soul.
Key Move: Ferments dry (or nearly dry), then lightly fortifies (or not at all), breaking DOC rules to amplify purity.
The Lees Strategy
Controlled *Bâtonnage: Unlike traditional White Ports, these see minimal stirring -just enough to coax out texture without masking vineyard fingerprints.
Vessel Choices: Neutral oak, cement, or amphora for oxygen taming, letting Rabigato’s salinity or Viosinho’s stone fruit shine.
The Controversy
Traditionalist Outrage: “This isn’t Port—it’s a mutiny!” (Yet sommeliers adore its versatility with oysters or ceviche.)
Modernist Retort: “If Port can’t evolve, it becomes a museum piece.”
The Proof in the Glass
Taste Test: Compare a 2021 Projectos Rabigato (electric, seashell-mineral) to a classic Niepoort Dry White Reserva (bready, richer). The difference? Unfiltered ambition.
A Comparison between Niepoort’s Projectos Branco and a Static 1961 Colheita
Philosophy & Intent
**Projectos Branco**:
Experimental: Dirk Niepoort’s „laboratory“ approach, blurring lines between fortified/unfortified wines.
Terroir-Driven: Single-vineyard focus (e.g., Pisca’s Rabigato) to highlight Douro’s white grape purity .Rule-
Breaking: Often skips fortification or uses minimal aguardente, defying DOC norms .
**1961 Colheita (e.g., Kopke/Wiese & Krohn)**
Traditional: Classic oxidative aging in wood (50+ years), adhering to Colheita regulations.
Palate: Gritty tannins, saline punch, finishes with fermented tea and tamarind.
ABV: 16–18% (lower than classic Port).
The Controversy
Traditionalists: „This isn’t Port—it’s a hipster abomination!“
Modernists: „Finally! Someone remembers Port always was experimental.“
Middle Ground: „Call it what you want, but pair it with black garlic risotto and weep with joy.“
Why It Matters
Terroir Transparency: Skin contact highlights **Douro’s schist minerality like no filtered Port can.
Bridge to Natural Wine Fans: Converts orange wine lovers to fortifieds.
Ageability? Unknown—but the 2018s now show umami truffle notes.
Vinifera-Mundi Hook „Think you know Port? Expect to experience much more about e.g. where to meet the renegades blurring lines between orange wine and fortified—and where to taste their *illegal* creations.“
1961 Vintage Port: The Untold Legend A year of scarcity, sublime concentration, and wines that whisper history
The Growing Season
Climate Extremes:
Heatwaves reduced yields by 30–40%, concentrating sugars and phenolics in surviving grapes.
September Rains: A brief reprieve saved acidity, crucial for aging potential.
Harvest: Painstaking manual selection (only the healthiest *touriga nacional* and *tinta roriz* clusters made the cut).
Declarations & Hidden Gems
Not a „General Declaration“ Year: Most major houses (e.g., Taylor’s, Dow’s) prioritized **Single Quintas** or **Colheitas** over Vintage Port.
Standout Bottles
**Graham’s Malvedos 1961** (Single Quinta): „A thunderstorm of black fruit and violets“ (Wine Advocate, 98 pts).
**Fonseca Guimaraens 1961**: Unfiltered, with a „molten core of fig and cocoa“ (Decanter, 97 pts).
**Krohn 1961 Colheita**: Aged in wood for 50+ years, bottled in 2012—“caramelized orange peel and incense“ (Vinous, 96 pts).
Tasting Profile Today
Appearance: Mahogany rim with amber highlights (Vintage); deep tawny (Colheita).
Aromas:
Vintage Ports: Stewed plums, black truffle, cigar box.
Colheitas: Burnt sugar, walnut liqueur, rancio.
Palate:
Vintage: Velvety tannins, layered with kirsch and dark chocolate.
Colheita: Silken texture, finishing with salted caramel and a flicker of acidity.
Niepoort 1961 Garrafeira: Aged in demijohns, „unicorn“ status (€2,500+).
Drinking Window
Most 1961s are at peak but will hold for decades (Colheitas may plateau).
Why 1961 Still Captivates
Time Capsule Effect: These wines encapsulate post-war Portugal—a era of craftsmanship before automation.
Contrast to 2020s: Modern Ports aim for freshness; 1961s are **unapologetically opulent.
Final Thought
The 1961 vintage is Port’s „quiet titan“ – overshadowed by 1945 or 1970, but offering unparalleled depth and storytelling. As Niepoort’s Dirk once mused: „The best wines don’t shout. They hum.“
(Sources: Wine Advocate, Decanter, Vinous, Niepoort family archives.)
The Ultimate White Port Buying Booklet 10 Exceptional White Ports, Inspired By Classic And Modern Styles
**Niepoort 10-Year-Old White Port**
Style: Aged, complex
Profile: Toasted almonds, marmalade, lemon curd, with vibrant acidity.
Profile: Citrus zest, white flowers, subtle nuttiness (less oxidative than Andresen).
ABV: 17%
Why Buy? A versatile aperitif—great for **Port Tonics** or with **seafood**.
**Note: San Leonardo is rarer; check Portwine.ch or auctions or specialty shops like **The Rare Wine Co.**
„THE CHAMPAGNE MAFIA“ – A (SATIRICAL) EXPOSÉ (Or: How Lees Rule France’s Bubbly Empire with an Iron Fist)
„Rules“ (Enforced by Lees, Not Men in Trenchcoats)
Minimum 15 Months on Lees (by law for non-vintage; often 3+ years for prestige cuvées).
Remuage (Riddling): Daily bottle-twisting to herd lees into necks—essentially yeast indentured labor.
Dégorgement: Lees are violently ejected (like a mob informant).
Why It’s a Suspicious Situation
Silent Control: Lees dictate texture (creamy brioche), aroma (toasted almond), and even market value (longer aging = higher price).
„Pay to Play“: Houses like Bollinger („RD“ = *Recently Disgorged*) charge premiums for extra lees time.
Terroir? Optional. In Champagne, *lees influence often overshadows vineyard character— hence the joke: „The real terroir is the corpses of yeast.“
Parallels to Port’s Lees
Champagne: Lees = mandated for finesse.
White Port: Lees = optional (but the Projectos Branco gang uses them for texture).
Sherry: Flor yeast = a rival (biological aging vs. oxidative).
The Conspiracy Theory
„What if the INAO (French wine police) is just a front for the lees lobby?“
Proof: Try making Champagne without lees aging. The INAO will revoke your membership faster than you can say „Prosecco.“ .
Final Thought
The „Champagne Mafia“ isn’t just satire—it’s a lens to expose how lees shape (and shackle) iconic wines.
Need a **real-world example? Compare Bollinger’s lees-heavy „RD“ to a zero-dosage rebel cuvée – it’s *Goodfellas* vs. *Pulp Fiction*.
Bollinger R.D.: The Revolutionary „Récemment dégorgé (Recently Disgorged“ Champagne
(A Deep Dive into Madame Bollinger’s Iconic Creation)
The Genesis of R.D.
1960s Innovation:** In 1967, Madame Bollinger (Lily Bollinger) defied Champagne’s prestige-cuvée trend by creating **R.D.** („*Récemment Dégorgé*“ or „Recently Disgorged“)—a vintage Champagne aged *exceptionally long* on lees (often 10–15+ years) and bottled just before release to preserve freshness .
Philosophy:** Unlike rivals chasing immediate prestige, Bollinger believed *all* its wines were elite. R.D. was a statement: **time, not marketing, defines greatness** .
Lees Domination: R.D.’s extended lees contact (like Champagne’s „unwritten rules“) mirrors Port’s lees alchemy – both use yeast autolysis for texture, but R.D. doubles down** with obsessive aging .
Controversy: Purists initially scoffed at R.D.’s *recent disgorgement; now, it’s a benchmark for oxidative freshness.
Why Collectors Obsess Over R.D.
Rarity: Tiny production (e.g., 2002: „a few thousand bottles“).
Ageability: 2008 R.D. will „last for decades“ (Wine Advocate).
Cultural Cachet: Featured in *James Bond films* (Bollinger’s Bond tie-ins began in the 1970s) .
Final Thought:
D. isn’t just Champagne—it’s **liquid audacity**. As Madame Bollinger quipped: *“I drink it when I’m happy and when I’m sad. Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company, I consider it obligatory.“
SHERRY 101: THE ULTIMATE 40-LINE MASTERCLASS (For Vinifera-Mundi’s Discerning Readers)
